The following report has been written by a Stanley Newsletter insider, who set up a surveillance team on Leonard Stanley FC during their recent Blackpool tour.

THE JOURNEY
We tracked the Stanley bus at distance after setting off in the early hours of Friday morning. It was noted that not all of the tourists were present; we later found out that two would join the party later.
One point of note is that two of my investigators noticed that there was some important vehicle paperwork missing and that the Stanley Bus looked far from roadworthy.
Halfway there, we picked up some friction in camp. Our secret audio bugs allowed us to monitor the controversial ‘food and pee’ stop. Two Stanley men, believed to be related were far from happy with the stop and almost immediately a fight broke out. The trouble was settled when one of the tour members, Known as ‘Brinkworth’ used his ripped physique (In particular his arms/guns) to intimidate the squabblers. He was believed to have ordered ‘sort it out or Brad will sort all of you out’.

Disaster struck an hour later when we lost track of the blue bus and when we caught up close to the Victoria Hotel in Charnley Road, we set about tracking the group. Eventually we caught up with the Stanley contingent but were shocked to see that one member had disappeared. A man known as ‘Panton’ was missing in action. One of our private investigators was given the task of tracking Panton down – eventually discovering that he was performing in a show at ‘Funny Girls’ and that the rest of the group were not aware of this.

FRIDAY NIGHT
The group started to become more irritated as the alcoholic beverages flowed. The tactics had started. Hill Pemberton was seen forcing himself to vomit in order to keep pace with the pack, and a man named ‘Todge’ was taking tactical trips to Subway with Yemm in order to sober up.
Hill Pemberton was spotted by one of our spies sneaking away from the group for a hot date with an unknown Italian man in Belle Pasta. This secret romance lasted throughout the weekend, where they were spotted dining at several romantic restaurants.
The group finally converged in the Rose and Crown where it is believed that they received a standing ovation for their Karaoke adaptation of Green Green Grass of Home. Re-named. ‘Green Green Grass of Stanley Park'. (lyrics)

On to ‘NTK’, where the group became involved in an altercation with a rival gang. The gang were angered by a comment made by Ben Knapman about what he wanted to do to their mothers. Luckily, the gang appeared to know the reputation of Brinkworth, who stepped in and settled matters.

The party were finally seen in ‘Sanuk’, a local nightclub popular with the youngsters. An older member of the group was seen sneaking off into ‘Flares’ in some kind of tropical fancy dress. Not a lot is known about events after this point and as my crew lost track of the dispersing Crew, they decided to survey the hotel and note early returners. Here is their list of observations.

00:15 Panton appears to be already inside hotel; hotel owner confirms this
01:00 A Roberts returns with large female (approx. 30st.)
01:05 Large female exits with slight limp.
01:17 Versaci and Hill Pemberton return together. Hands held. Return to same room.
01:25 Romantic music sounding from Versaci’s room. Hill Pemberton appears to be pressed up against the window.
01:29 Brinkworth returns with Fanstone. Fanstone appears to be agitated and roughly drags Brinkworth into his hotel room.
01:32 Ken Roberts returns with Cocktail and rubber ring, dressed in Bermuda shorts.
01:38 K Roberts seen through hotel room window with sun tan spray lotion. Versaci and Hill Pemberton appear to be applying the lotion.
01:46 Yemm, Sargent and Knapman return. Knapman seems desperate for wee but passes out in Brinkworth’s room.
05:30 Bown returns with large group of very attractive club reps. Reps seem not to be able to take no for an answer but Bown sends them on their way with some signed Photographs.

The following morning only Panton, Bown, K Roberts, Brinkworth and Versaci appear for breakfast as other tour members unable to keep up with the pace of the tour.

BLACKPOOL CRICKET CLUB CUP
After Hill Pemberton had the tour members kicked out of Stanley Park by the Park Ranger for public disorder, the tour bus made it’s way to Blackpool Cricket club for the Cricket Championship.
After Panton was clean bowled twice by a local boy, the batting pairs tournament was underway and the scores were as follows:

CHAMPIONS BOWN AND BRINKWORTH 57runs
2nd PLACE A Roberts and Panton 49runs 3rd PLACE K Roberts and Hill Pemberton 3runs
4th PLACE Versaci and Knapman 2runs Yemm, Panton, Sargent, Fanstone unable to play as asleep on bus.

BELLE VUE PUB
The group stop in the Belle Vue pub to watch the Swindon Vs Millwall playoff after being ejected from the Waterloo Pub by buying too many rounds of ‘tea’. Hill Pemberton is enraged and departs for William Hill.

M Fanstone appears to see red after being ‘seasoned’ with salt, pepper and vinegar. Hill Pemberton goes one step too far when he refers to Fanstone as a ‘Pepper Head’. Fanstone chases Hill Pemberton across a busy main road and Hill Pemberton survives a fatal accident by the skin of his teeth. Versaci distraught and screaming ‘Joey…My Joey’

SATURDAY NIGHT
News gets to us that Brinkworth is a wanted man after terrorising local doormen and police. It turns out that Brinkworth was refused entry to a bar near Sanuk and threatened to ‘unleash fury’ on 2 police men and 4 doormen. Brinkworth was calmed by his team mates and the police and door staff survived a lucky escape.

The pace appears to have taken its toll by midnight as several tour members are asleep in Sanuk. After a brief appearance in Nobby’s and a fight between A Roberts, Hill Pemberton and a Barmaid the players seem to be struggling. Most return to the hotel before1am. However, Bown and K Roberts, two of the most elderly show the youth how to Party and dance the night away in ‘Flares’. News spreads fast that the pair headed to Manchester to continue their serious partying.
Hill Pemberton and Versaci were rumoured to have married at a 24 hour registry office in Charnley Road and fell asleep together beneath the Stars.
Brinkworth headed back to The Ramblers Inn as Knapman was busy shopping for mattresses. Fanstone was seen in a local strip club with A Roberts asking for a woman named ‘Shirley’ and Joey was safely asleep in Panton’s arms.